Runner Monologues + First (Running) Date Jitters

Running, for me, is a solo sport.  I like to get lost inside my head, go at my own pace, and just relish in the fact that if I screw it all up, it's all on me and I'm hurting no one else.  I also don't have to feel an ounce of guilt for picking up the pace if I feel I can.  It's my ME time.

I trained with my husband for my first (and only, at this point) half marathon and for the most part, we ran nearly all of our Saturday long runs (and a lot of our weekday runs) together.  Well...next to each other; it's a bit different than a group run.  This is how the runner monologues typically went:

Pre-Run: Yay, I'm running because...I am a runner.  Holy shit.  Yup, here I go.  I'm going to do this!

Mile 1: Okay legs, you're all warmed up and the good old heart is pumping.  Why do I feel like I have to yawn?  Yawn.  Well, great.  So much for beast mode.  Sheesh, Jess, really.  Look at Ewan, he looks like he's out for a leisurely stroll.  I don't see him yawning.  He probably just saw me yawn.  Okay brain, shut the hell up, and focus.

Mile 2: Okay, NOW I'm good.  Everything is warm...well, getting hot actually.  I'm taking off these damn gloves.  Okay, time to eat a date!  Hit Ewan's arm to signal him that it's fuel time. Okay, now we're a team - communicating - running in sync - fueling together.  I wonder how many couples can say that?  

Mile 3: Coming up on a 5k soon.  A whole 5k.  I can run a 5k in 32:00 minutes or so.  Ewan can run a 5k in a lot less time.  He could be going so much faster.  I'm holding him back.  Decide to ask Ewan how he thinks the pace is.  He says "Good."  Yeah, I bet he doesn't mean that.  I'm going to speed up.  Wait...is that a damn hill.  Nevermind.  Maybe on the downhill portion.

Mile 4: Why on earth am I doing this?  We could be at home, on the couch, eating Spicy Sweet Chili Doritios and catching up on DVR.  No, that's silly.  We'd be watching some shit from Nick Jr., diffusing a tantrum, overdosing on coffee, but we'd.still.be.on.the.couch.  Look at all these other runners hopping up and down like gazelles with pogo feet.  Why are my legs so HEAVY?  Hmmm...Ewan looks a bit sweaty now...or wait, is that freezing rain?

Mile 5: Why do I feel like he's speeding up?  He better not be speeding up.  I should tell him to slow down.  Express feelings to Ewan about not trying to show me up during a freaking long run.  Well, that didn't go well.  He sure was short with me.  Now he's going too slow.  Is he mocking me??????  God dammit.  Fine.  I'll just run my pace, if he doesn't want to be a team player, well hmph.  Oh look, another hill.

Mile 6:  I'm positive that 3 out of 5 toes on my right foot are dead.  And another hill is up ahead and no, I will not do another fucking hill on a long run....I need flat.  Flat like pancake...flat like junior high training bra...nothing that requires me to lift my legs THAT high is all...why is St. Louis so damn hilly?  There goes Mr. Gazelle pogo-ing up the hill.  I better tell him we're turning around.  Loudly yell/hyperventilate to Ewan about changing course.  Not so happy about his lack of responsiveness.  Smug bastard.  Fine.  I WILL go up this hill, but I'm not going to like it.

Mile 7: My hips hurt.  My feet are numb.  How is it possible to go down a hill and still feel like this?  I'm going to eat all the kale and all the Frida burgers after this.  And a banana and an apple.  I bet I look like a lunatic out here flailing about up and down the path.  I'm surprised I haven't been attacked by a legion of squirrels out to protect their precious territory from the giant rabies-stricken beast with compression tights on.  I hope Avery isn't being a nightmare for my sister.  There is no feeling in my legs.  They.are.lead.  Only a mile left.  I can't go on.  Tear earbuds out and scream a loud expletive.  I can't listen to anymore.  I need to hear my own gasps for oxygen.  Why in the shit is Ewan not dying like me??  I am so angry.  Why am I angry?  Because this sucks...and I'm doing it to myself.  Stupid girl.

End:  We are awesome!  I love running so very much! My husband is the greatest!  So loyal and understanding! Endorphins!  Gatorade is the BEST drink EVER! Can't wait until next Saturday!

See how that works?  Yeah, me either.

Admittedly, the infamous long run has gotten a lot easier for me.  I like the challenge of a good hill, and I can lay down the miles like never before.  But now there are 2 new factors called heat and humidity.  Anything can happen. 

And so what does the girl-who-prefers-to-run-solo go and do? 

She commits to her first EVER group run.  And not only that, a group LONG run...in the heat and the humidity.  I will be running with several other runner chicks for 7 whole miles.  This is going to get interesting.

Based on previous "running with others" experience, I can say I'm a bit nervous...apprehensive...terrified.  But this is a step in the right direction.  Even if that direction has me setting my Saturday morning phone alarm for 4:45 in the morning so I can get up and fuel in order to meet the group at 6:45.

Big Girl Run-derwear: ON! Group Run Challenge: Accepted!

Peace out and run on.